The Observation Deck

Relationships...

Okay dear readers, welcome aboard the SS Quandary. I'm your Captain, Tyler Barnes, and I'm here to take you on a voyage through my perception of what pitfalls you may encounter on the high seas of romance and relationships. Now you may ask me, "What would you know? You egotistical and indignant bachelor.

I'll answer with celerity... I've been there and think women aren't from Venus, but from some alternate dimension that thrives on anarchistic disarray.

pauses for a moment, pulls down the nearby shade to protect from laser sights

Well, now that I've offended every woman out there with what you perceive as an outright slander to your sex, I'll endeavor to explain my statement.

Guys... how many times have you been cast to the abyssal regions for not doing something that you had no idea needed to be done?

Your girlfriend/spouse/wife says,"The garbage smells."

You, as a male, stop to sniff the air, and after a few moments you catch the faint odor of something that may or may not be last night's dinner in the garbage...but it could very well be that your deodorant has failed... you do the standard left-right pit-check, and then concur to your spouse that it may indeed be the garbage.

... you continue with whatever you're doing thinking that the topic is dead.

(deep sigh) "Aren't you taking the garbage out?" She says in an indignant tone.

you look (confused) to her and reply, "Am I supposed to?" (99% of all males feel a sinking feeling in their stomach at this point, as they are just realizing they are in trouble for something)

(another deep sigh) "I shouldn't HAVE to ask you." She says, her tone growing so frigid you hear the furnace kick in...

Guys, you're already screwed, you aren't getting anything tonight, or tomorrow, or possibly until she and her friends have a summit and agree that you've been punished enough for a crime you weren't even aware you committed.

First off ladies... I am assuming that I am speaking for the entirety of male-kind when I say, "We are not telepathic." Just because you feel that something needs to be done, doesn't mean we've read your mind and can perform the task before the passive aggressive statement of the second wave is uttered.

Secondly, telling us that the garbage smells is like saying to us that the sky is blue... we agree and return to whatever was previously occupying our mind.

Thirdly, we do not know what the initial and secondary sighs mean until we've been through decryption training, and all of our training is on the job, so please do not expect us to know at the initial stages of a relationship.

Guys, that first sigh is loosely translated as, "Are you stupid? how come I actually have to even hint that you're not doing what I never told you to do!"

The second sigh is translated as, "You're just don't listen, now you're screwed."

One second you're kicking back, perhaps trying that new tool out... and the next second you're already in the dog house for an indeterminate future for not instantaneously developing telepathy and a symbiotic empathy with your spouse.

Speaking of tools and chores (nice segue eh?)... in this world of equality it still falls on to the male in the household to instantaneously be capable of repairing anything, by the sole nature of his testicles (That's alright honey, I can fix that refrigerator... I've got testes!) ... just as it was once expected that the female should be able to cook.

Guys, it does not matter if your significant other is marching on Ottawa for even more equality... you're still going to take out the garbage, fix the plumbing and change the oil in the car (and about a thousand more things she decides need to be repaired...and you better get on it before she starts sighing)... I know it sounds stupid, but equality apparently coincides with their hereditary chores... and NEVER...EVER bring this up because you will loose any bonus points you've made recently.

ponders for a moment and wonders how come it's bad taste to get your spouse appliances for her birthday when it's okay for her to get you tools for yours

Ahem... guys... the simplest response is always, "I'm sorry... you're right dear." It works incredibly well as long as you appear sincere (practice in front of the mirror, remember to have flowers, and a dinner out when you're ready)...

When "I'm sorry" fails:

You didn't practice enough you idiot! No wonder you're missing those telepathic signals!

Guys...at this point you're in a world of shit, and there is so very little for you to do but stand there and take the verbal harangue like a man. You can't leave because it will just continue on the phone until you hang up... then the dreaded, "Don't you EVER hang up on me" is uttered once you answer the phone (I personally think women have secretly developed a third lung that supplies oxygen for these tirades to flow uninterrupted)

This tirade against your manhood, you're lack of empathy, your disregard for her feelings will be tireless... guys, you can stay out for a week and as soon as you walk trough that door it will erupt again with even greater fervor... If you want to get laid again...ever...by this woman, you have to sit there through it until she is finished because she will not shut up until you understand what it was you did that you were unaware that you did when you didn't do what she expected you to do when she decided it needed to be done... got it?

This episode will end if you cower well enough guys, but will not be forgotten as she files this whole incident under "Stuff I'll bring up when I'm wrong...if I ever am."

More to come...I'm just warming up

stops to finish off his beer, lights a smoke and wonders if he'll ever get a date again once all the women read this and lambaste him with self-righteous fury... and shrugs